Though I am not from a mixed family, I was discussing recently, with 1Mixed, my experience of childhood, race and subsequently how I struggled with my identity, race, and self-esteem.

My parents emigrated from Hong Kong in the 1950s and I was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA. At the age of 4, we moved to a small suburb outside Minneapolis. We were the first Asian/minority family to move into our all-white neighbourhood. Needless to say, we stuck out like a sore thumb! When I describe the physical landscape, we were the Chinese family swimming in the sea of lily-white people. It was not uncommon to see children with white “angel” hair – not the yellow blonde hair but the snow-white hair.

Though I had friends, I was bullied by other kids who called me such names as, “chink”, “chinky-poo” and “Korean Commie” of which I was neither Korean nor a Communist. Sometimes kids would yell, “go back where you came from!” I would rebut, “I was born here! I’m American!” With the challenge of navigating through bullying and prejudice from kids and adults, I simultaneously lived in fear in a home life riddled with violence, alcoholism, and dysfunction but put on a public facade of a good family. I dealt with my struggles secretly.

I hated being different. I cursed being Chinese. I assimilated the best I could. I rejected my parents’ culture. I didn’t speak Chinese. I loved hamburgers, hot dogs, and McDonald’s, I disco-danced, sported the big 80’s hair and was attracted to blonde haired, blue-eyed boys. As I grew up, I felt “white” and often forgot I was Asian until someone, or something, would remind me.

It has taken many years of work to heal myself and finally accept my personality, race and ethnicity. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and just being me.